What Car Brands do Gays Prefer?

The GayCarBoys Car Appreciation Society met this weekend for a lively debate, “Car Brands, and their gay-friendliness: What we fancy, what we don’t. What makes us stand to attention, and what makes us limp.” It was fuelled by a barman called Jorge, pronounced Hor-Hay, yeah baby!

The 30-strong rabble was an out and proud cross section of the definition of a gay man in the 21st century. Some are business owners, some live with disabilities, some are single, and others long-time partnered (in some cases, multi-partnered). Something interesting emerged: A surprising bent towards technology+luxury vis-à-vis automakers, and the often-perceived “dross”, foisted upon us in the name of profit. This became a great big gay problem, according to Nico.

BMW came under heavy fire for its push for on-going user-pays features. Arron bought a BMW with a free period of heated seats and wireless Apple CarPlay. He took Umbridge at what he said was rampant price gouging. “If a bum warmer is in my new car, I refuse to be held hostage for continued toasted buns. I like hot buns as much as the next gay, but Christ on a cracker, that’s a fecken outrage.” “Gays love a badge,” he said, “but is there anything worse than being rooted with a pineapple.”

Arron makes a good point, but, ouch!

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ABOVE: Some of the much-mentioned modes

Evan had a crook Vee-dub that “got on my tits,” as he put in his refreshingly British way. “I took the bastard thing for a road trip, and it kept going in to limp mode on the highway. What a right cock I looked.” He completed the very-very-very-long trip to the nearest dealer, but as so often happens, a weekend incident meant the dealer was home having his dinner. Evan spent the weekend on Grindr, so not a total loss. Gays know how to turn a negative into something worthwhile. Apparently country boys are ,”gagging for a shag,” said Even, with the faintest whiff of smugness about it.

Bruce has a Jeep with a buggered bulb. Jeep didn’t have one in stock, mis-quoted the price and part number, and, he claims, did not contact him about a fix. The brake light is a safety issue, so Bruce took his trusty ride to his local bloke, who took care of it in a thrice. 8 bucks for the bulb and $20 for labour, and Bruce was off into the sunset like a dog at a bone.

Casper banged on about his Audi RS6 popping its clogs after an enthusiastic track day. He got the pip, and has a Kia EV6 GT now. In his own words, the Kia. “takes the Audi, smacks its flabby little arse, and sends it to bed without its dinner.”

Jason loves BMW, and has had enough of them to fill a dodgy used car yard. He says there is nothing quite like them, yet downsized to a humble Polo to save a few bucks. And, why not indeed. You can’t live in an M4. But this debate was not about how good or bad a car brand was, it was which was preferred. He prefers fast cars, with, “brand coming in a sloppy second to the speed factor.” Jason loves speed, among other things.

The better the brand’s halo car, the more hormones course through the veiny bits, causing all kinds of unwanted attention.

There is always that one guy who knows absolutely everything, just ask him. “He” (name withheld) said Mercedes were best, because it fits into his garage. The 7-year-old base model SUV is way behind on tech and aids, but it is better than the new model, for no apparent reason. “He” was horrified to find his leather seats came from a vat, not from a cow.

Give a man a form to fill in instead of all this useless drivel. It is the only way we could stop people from mentioning Holden, whose pulse is long since flatlined. Holden was responsible for more abominations than a boy can poke a martini at, yet it still haunts us like a mouldering cadaver. Begone, and stay there.

Some hold JD Power in high esteem, whose humble readers consistently rate Korean cars as the bee’s knees. We’ve noticed annoying bongs creeping into the cabins of the cars made by our South Korean friends, enough to put them in the naughty corner.

Tesla seemed to get much more mention than it merits, with its halo now hanging in the same hallowed halls as the Apple, Microsoft, and Google, but it did not win. BYD was mentioned in the same breath, because, electric. There, the similarity ends.

Stellantis brands accrued no end of hilarity, and we will leave it at that.

The whole thing descended into a shit-show. It seemed to leave us little room for wriggle, but wriggle we did. So, who won? Which brand got the gong of LGBTIQ+ awesomeness? MG missed out, Ford failed to find favour, Supercars seemed to summon simpers, so the only brand that every single complex personality wanted to be seen in was,

Drum roll,

Rolls Royce, but we all agreed that the Cullinan had a face like a ship’s boiler.

It was the one and only brand no one was embarrassed to be seen in, as long as the driver was hot and the champers was cold. Even the cool new electric Spectre Coupé required a hottie at the wheel. That could make for a very interesting weekend away.

There you have it babes. We couldn’t agree on what we wanted, but we all agreed on the ultimate F-U car, and perhaps that’s the best we could hope for.

More Rolls Royce Stories at GayCarBoys