Are Cars Too Smart, and Their Alerts Too Unbearable?

A few years ago, I was threading a top of the range Lexus through the veins Sydney’s heart, and one thing became apparent: The Warnings, they had to go.

It had an alert for every occasion, often accompanied pushy lady from within the dash. She would bark out commands at the top of her voice, eschewing her inside tones for a clearer, louder level. No one could possibly live with it and it was soon silenced.

Inner Sydney has bus lanes, speed and redlight cameras, bus zones, school zones, and black zones and each gets a warning bong. The only zones without warnings are the erogenous zones, thankfully.

In the dogged pursuit of safety, has the end game been obscured by technology?

This afternoon, a leisurely drive in the updated Kia Seltos GT Line turned to a frustrating bust. It has inherited the Hyundai Group’s latest fad, over-speed warnings. They can’t be silenced unless the speed recognition system is deactivated. That’s no problem if you don’t exceed the limit, right? However, like all such systems, it is bollocks, and is frequently showing a previous speed, or something mysteriously collected elsewhere in its travels. Either way, it’s wrong. It then bongs, many times. When turned off, it teases you with a large blank traffic sign, in blood red for good measure.

Whether the camera or navigation is the source, the wrong speed and its accompanying gong, is unbearable.

There is a gong for school zones, roadkill, and danger zones. Roadkill? I mean, really?

At least those can be de-selected if you know where to look. Some of the alerts are secreted elsewhere. Why aren’t all alerts in the same menu with a huge “mute all warnings” button. It would find many friends.

A different, higher-pitched gong sounded, but the visual warning, all to brief, flashed away before being read. It bonged again shortly after, and again was gone in the blink of an eye. It transpired that on a bright and sunny day, the Seltos was warning me that the lights weren’t on. I didn’t want them on, but it seems Kia did. It refused to stop sounding until “Auto” had been dialled on the light switch. Might one inquire as to why “off” is an option if it can’t be used without constant harassment?

It had been a long and difficult day, and I fought a deep compulsion to set the Seltos on fire. Now silenced, the atmosphere is far more convivial.

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ABOVE: Modern Infotainment Systems and their warnings: Fab or Fail?

More than a few studies have found that modern infotainment systems are as much a distraction as a mobile phone.

There are a few fads that have made the situation even worse. Volkswagen for example, has moved all centre console function to within the mysterious tablet in the centre of the dash. It is accessed by 4 tiny buttons. Even the drive modes, climate controls, and media, are under a menu. Citroen tried and abandoned this in a single generation of one model.

VW however, is disastrously rolling this abomination out across all of its models. So far, its other brands have escaped attention, but it is only a matter of time. Fiddling for phantom buttons on a phone is against the law, doing the same thing on an LCD screen glued to a car is fine, apparently. The joint is run by imbeciles!

The Tablet up on top of dash is disappearing, as more and more models get multiple screens.  Some have a single curved surface of two 10.5” or “12.3” LCD screens, often augmented by a head up display. HUDs are either projected onto a windscreen, or onto a nasty bit of popup plastic. The latter is a heinous monstrosity, looking like a bit borrowed from the budget parts bin in the basement a Odd Bods.

Voice control: it promised so much, but as yet, delivered so little. Even the poshest of carriages is yet to abolish screaming at the windscreen as standard practice. The nearest to doing the job is Vovlo/Polestar’s Google Android OS, not to be confused with Android Auto. It will also connect through to your Google Home devices, but is less of a success when linking the Google Map in the car, to the Google Map on your phone. It falls at the last hurdle.

Online Services: The useless concierge service is frequently needing a monthly fee in order for you either ignore it, or to have trouble using it. The Over-the-Air updates allow the carmaker to modify onboard systems on the fly. No visit to your hot mechanic is needed. That’s a shame as I’ve seen my service man posting shirtless pics on FaceBook. HOLY SHIT what a total babe!

BMW bunged it in with renting you your heated seats, heated steering wheel, and wireless CarPlay, but it is no more palatable for it. It is an abomination. Other brands are watching for it to be a fab or a fail. Either way, if you want the over-the-air updates to continue after the warranty period, you have to pay a monthly fee. What a croc!

The concierge service

Apparently posh people are too stupid to book a table or haircut for themselves. Cheaper brands offer little more than a live person on the end of the phone who can read your user guide to you. Who in their right mind would pay for that. Then again, that depends on how desperate you are for company, and how hot the voice on the phone is.

In the end

The owner must have the last say in curating their environment. Lane Control and Cruise Control come with or without autonomous steering assistance. Why? Because there are times when you’d sooner pull your fingernails out than put up with its electronic vagaries.

Imagine Apple or Microsoft running your car? You’d never make it out of the garage without emergency help desk intervention.

Cars will soon start talking to each other. Why not let them do their own thing. Let them go out and collect your shopping, a coffee, then bring it home to you in a recyclable paper bag. Meanwhile, you’d be far less annoyed by the electronic white noise.

When the alerts become so annoying that you must mute them, and the system is so hard to use, that stopping to fettle it is your only option, we need a rethink. The first thing I do when I collect a car is to silence the navigation and any and all warnings. Driving is stressful enough as it is without adding a barrage of unwanted dross that overloads the senses.

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