Our fully-loaded Range Rover LWB P530 takes the space on the drive vacated by the gorgeous Jaguar XJ range. There is enough room in the back seat for a hot and sweaty football team, and inside and out is as immaculatly tailored as a besuited gent from Saville Row.

With a drive away price just south of $400,000, you’ve given the government over $80,000 in taxes and stamp duty. Ouch. Of that fiscal folly melts away as you give right pedal a wee tickle. The merest wave of you Bally has the 390kw supercharged V8 silkily whisking you to 100, in 4.6seconds. Thos inside remain unsullied, sadly. That V8 sounds like it wants to throw you against a wall for a thorough strumping.

The 4 of us headed out of town for a light lunch at our old haunt, the George IV in Picton. it is the place where farm boys and conrstution men gather round the water hole like gazelles at sunset. I’d be lying if i said I only when there for the atmosphere.

To get there, we must brave the highway. The sight of open country makes even the hardest city-slicker come over all bucolic. In a cabin that size, 4 large lads are lost in acres of soft, soul-pampering cow, while wrapped in duclet tones from an audio system that transmutes sound into a near religious experience. You waft regally along in silent splendour, and although the 4X4 system can climb mountains and wade through fords of water 800mm deep, your cosy cocoon feels utterly inpenetrable.

Although highway speed has the 8-speed in top gear, the fuel flees the 90L tank like under-aged drinkers at a raided rave.

Ahead of the full review, here are the boy’s thoughts

Nico:

The new, large entertainment screen has a system that works like an old-falthful mobile. The driver’s screen is also large, with a head-up display for good measure. Range Rover’s 3rd row sees little use, but all 3 rows have buttons for adjustment so you can impress your nieces and nephews. It is brillant inside and out, with a malange of butch, posh, and clever, that makes the drive feel like a bear-chested lumberjack in a dinner suit.

Autobiography sounds exclusive, and it is. After the butter-soft air suspension  does its thing at high speed, it settles to exit height so that passengers can disembark without doing a Patsy.

Raffy:

Steering is light, and when left in auto mode, has the system shunting power where it is needed. The graphic on the main screen shows you what the diffs are doing, and what wheel is doing what. Don’t watch it while driving.

The 3 tonne lounge room is obscenely fast, but Range Rover hasn’t tried to pretend the big SUV is a sports car. You could take 5 big boys in comfort, and enough gear to satisfy every wilderness-weekend desire, in comfort.

Travis:

Range Rover V8’s are viciously thirsty when pushed, but that is part of the attraction. You don’t buy a supercharged V8 if you want the economy of a 1.2L 3-pot.

The Range Rover will park itself, having every conceivable gadget, as well as a long list of extras for customisation. Ticking boxes might give your bank manager apoplexy, but it will make you feel like you’ve recently been crowned.

There is no better description than “stunningly beautiful palace on wheels”. The lights even do a little dance front and back by way of hello and goodbye.

Alan:

Range Rover is now, and always has been, my favourite SUV.

It started the SUV craze, and made big 4X4’s cool. There were 4X4’s before it, but none you’d want to drive, or be seen in. They were all a bit down market, and  though Range Rover may not quite be a Rolls Royce Cullinan, the Roller is embarrassed by Range Rover’s ahtletismism.

If you don’t mind the wait, the electric version promises V8 performance with EV economy and will be along any time now.

It is one of the most beautiful automobiles on the road, with smooth, sultry looks and super-car performance. Even under pressure, it never breaks a sweat and is one of the few cars all passengers praise.

The 2024 Range Rover is available to order, but you’ll probably have to wait a while. Our full review will follow, but not as full as our usual thorough seeing-too. Read on to see why.

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ABOVE: 2023 Range Rover

What ruined our week in the Range Rover?

You’ll be expecting me to say that the old girl threw a shoe, or had a hissy fit, or locked us out, or simply failed to proceed. It was none of that. It was a few days before Christmas at the George IV, and the hot boys at the next table were being a little rambunctious.

Before we knew it, they’d migrated to our gathering, integrating themselves like that b-rated porn movie you like to say you hate.

The hottest one, Shane, appeared a trifle unwell as he out his arm round me, slurring into my ear. His bestie-westie, Brett, also looked under the weather as he palled up with Nico. Alex and Josh were just plain sloshed, but were all over Trav and Raffy like bad suits. Innocent little Olly was their designated driver, so was calm and collected, but all were on our laps at some stage. Let that sink in for a bit.

Hours later, we said our goodbyes with kisses and hugs all round. Straight boys tend to get all touchy-feely with gay guys after cocktails are consumed.

The next day I did Christmas shopping, then Christmas eve hit. I started feeling unwell, then spent Christmas day flat on my back, crook as a chook. Unable to get a RAT until boxing day, it was only then I tested positive for Covid, and the full horror of the goodbye pecks was revealed.

No further time was spent driving the ravishing Range Rover.

Is this a shaggy dog story? Are you annoyed that you read through to the end and found no sex, drugs, or rock and roll? Were you expecting tales that should have “stayed in Vegas?”  Or, did you want to hate the Range Rover, but only found it praised? Believe me, none of you as are miffed as I.

Holiday stories are best left short, and although the filming was a washout for obvious reasons, we’ll be back with a full review as soon as our heads stop throbbing, and our throats stop burning.

All 4 of us got Covid, proving that kissing straight boys really does give you germs. We will say no more.

 

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